hey children.

i've MOVED.

the thoughts overwhelmed me.

maybe one shouldnt take too
many shortcuts in life.
it will bring you nowhere eventually.

i learnt it the hard way.
and i'm sure it aint easy for anyone
to go through that particular pain.

; its never too late to regret.

the mother is angry with me.

will you just sit down by my side ?
dont speak a word.
that presence is all that mattered.

; i felt that warmth around me.

parents please watch over your children.
they dunno wad they are doing.

some people called themselves
your friends.
yet actions speaks louder than words.
sometimes i think its a disgrace to know them.

dont tell people you know me please.
your reputation is bad enough.

i spent a night thinking.
and that child msged me.
've never seen such a chidish children.
that children is older than me.

; at least the mirror wont crack for me.
you might get disgusted looking at urself.

God takes away so he can give
us something better in return.
; something better.

the existence of that smile is there.
drifting further and further.
maybe it was fake all along.
just didnt notice that look on ur face.

in life we play.
play hard to get. hard to lie.
once played. ; elated.

why cant some people just stay
truthful and loyal to their friends ?
sometimes i wonder.
does all these bring us anywhere in life ?

for some people.
hurt means nothing. ; fear means alot.
fear of being played yes ?

; in fact walking alone is better.
retribution exists.

sit at one corner and see please.
; there's a word called retribution.

the burning sensation is back.
dinner at carnivore was simply great.

have you ever been in a situation
whereby you get stuck and dunno
what you should do ?

ryann seriously wish to think abt
so many things.

but the eventual outcome concludes
that ryann needs a sleep badly.
shan't elaborate any further.

so goodnight.

there's one word that i cannot
elaborate any further.

can you just follow your heart ?
maybe things will get better.

if we are meant to be, we'll be.
if we are not meant to be, so be it.

let the hearts lead to the rightful owner.

fate dont play with me yes ?

when i need you, u're almost here
and i know that's not enough.
but when i'm with you i'm close to tears
cause u're only almost here.

everythings' not gg the way they used to be.

first i was drained out cause of
the dry swimming entertainment.
den came a terrible tummyache.
followed by a headache.
leading to a high fever.
and some people actually forgot wad
they supposed to do.
can they please learn to appreciate ?

one meal a day is actually not so bad.

i miss the mother.
can she please not leave me with the
kids in singapore again please ?
'm having a terrible time.

dont say things when you
dun mean it. just shut up.
i wanna hear you no more.

sometimes people just lose hope
in everything.
i dont wish to think of you.
it just brings me nowhere.

damn the day for being screwed.

i'm sorry i cant be perfect.

anyone haven't catch that movie hitch ?
catch it please.
laughter is a must have in that theatre.

have anyone ever told you that by
playing mind games can actually make
a conversation much more interesting ?

have anyone ever thought that by
going beyond the bounderies can actually
become a part of your life ?

drilled a deep hole in that pocket.
need another weekly donation mother.
oh pretty please.

its just a fun-filled week.
contented is the way it should be.

oh yes children.
'm beng no more.
i have black hair please.

happy birthday to that beloved sister.

whether i'm turning straight or not.
its up to the friends out there to believe.

it takes alot of motivation and determination
which ryann so do not have.
so reflect on that entry please.

anyone and everyone can sound like me.

'm beginning to notice that existence.
maybe it aint a bad thing afterall.

maybe everyone should learn to move on
and not cling onto the memories.

after much consideration..
i have decided to turn straight yes?
so to all the guys out there..
remember to hook me up.
love ya.

self-obsession might just kill.
but i like.

sometimes we break the rules
by going over the bounderies.
but thats how excitement comes in.
and i like.

've this burning sensation and it hurts.
but then children, i like that place.

anyone loves the sea ?
at least i know i love being in the sea.
its just so fun.

sometimes memories should be left behind.
and everything should start anew yes ?

i thank God for you.

the theory of riding bike being
dangerous is already knocked into my head.
enough yes ?

so wont be getting a bike license
but a car license instead.
damn.
bye bye vespa.

i really feel relieved after sharing a part.
thank you.

things aint that bad afterall.

nightout at black was simply great.
the crowd was a total hazard.

sometimes parents gotta be more reasonable yes?
like mine.

i kept thinking of that vespa.
wednesday faster come.
first i've to convince my atm to let me register.

lets pray i win 4D tonight.
and 'll have money for more shopping.

2weeks of term break.
like finally there's break.

happy birthday felicia !
you r finally 20 years old.
i dont feel old anymore yes ? lol.

one's emotion can be really contradicting.
like mine.

; laters.

sometimes you just dun wanna know
wad is actually happening.
dont like that thought that i actually know you.
its just so contradicting.

SR Nathan's presence was really grand.
enjoy the food and the events that took place.

friends plays a really important part in life.
though its rather heartbreaking.

friends and that one.
a decision has to be made yes ?

've made up my mind.
though its really heartbreaking.
made one decision that no one will get hurt.
just that individual herself.

its a fcuking terrible feeling.
ryann aint sane anymore.

maybe my existence doesnt matter.

what if one day
you turn around and ryann aint there?

do you even care about that existence.
do you even care about the pain one goes thru.
do you even know the hurtful experiences.

well.
i doubt it even mattered.

thats the reason why everythings' so wrong.

theres so many things i wished for.
and the most wonderful thing that came true
is that i met you in this life's journey.

'm contented enough even there were heartaches.

i didnt mean to fall in love with you.

.ecneirepxeluftruhasawti.peelsotflesymdeirci

i dislike pple who shift the blame to
someone else and pretend to act innocent in
front of that person she shifted the blame to.

like how fake you want to be please.
whatever.
that thought seriously pissed me off.
damn.

though the day was bad.
the best friend was there for me.
and that you made me smiled.

awaits for certain events that are coming up.
'm going broke looking at the way things are planned.

amazing race 7 is back in town.
should i ?

;laters.

toss that coin and let it predict your destiny.
one moment theres happiness and another moment
happiness just turn its back on you.

like wad the fcuk yes.
i dont like. i dont like dont like.

nothing last forever.
nothing in particular.

'm drained.
so goodnight and goodbye.

;laters.

lost the mood to do anything and everything.
finally all assignments are done.

mother just dont understand the stress 'm gg thru.
its not that i dont want to eat.
i just feel like puking when i see food.
get it ?
damn.

i dislike pple throwing temper
when i never even flared mine.

anyway.
'm tired and need sleep.
i cant be bothered with anything.
ask someone else please.

happy birthday to my best friend!
big huggs.

why did that figure keep appearing in that mind. ?
this is totally not happening at all.
i don't like.

i like her. i love another.
isnt this wad life supposed to be
when she appears.
i know that you'll be totally outta my head.

somethings just happened for a reason.
and damn.
'm standing at the crossroads once again.

take me to your heart please.
ryann just wanna be with you all the time yes ?

don't like the way 'm feeling now.
its just not that sea anymore.
its just something that holds me back.
totally.

or perhaps its just a smile that warms that heart ?

damn everything.
schoolwork's gonna kill.

ryann is thinking of you.
and i dont like it.

actions speaks louder than words.
enough said.

the songs from then started playing in that mind.
it was a sudden thought that
ryann had never thought would happen.
it happened anyway.

everything happened for a reason.
enough said.

happy birthday to you.

youngsters please sit down and reflect.
'm totally disgusted by the thoughts you guys have.

no flash experts. friends will do.

'm attached to the comp to complete
my flash and webpage design for the weekend.

holiday faster come.
ryann seriously need a tan.

damnit.
i feel like sleeping again.
i really look forward to that meet-up.

till then.
laters.

ryann needs more sleep.
quality rest yes ?

my flash's not even 1/3 done.
spent the whole fcuking night figuring out
how to create motion tween and all
but still
NOT DONE.

damn this school.
the cause of all our pimples and eye bags.
i didnt even fcuking sleep.

'm feeling damn fcuking tired.
excuse my words.
'm just fcuking PISSED.
with everything. and anything.
damnit.

i dont want tanning on sunday anymore.
mind's made up.
I NEED TO SLEEP.

selfish people do exist on earth.
EVERYWHERE.

everythings' down to zero.
; m so angry please.
damn.

damn the computer.
damn flash.
damn the thumbdrive.

everythings' not working.

its just not my day
damn everything.

is there any kind soul around?
anyone.

beginning to stress oneself when
theres actually not much to do.
theres a serious need for a flash expert.
someone help me please.

've a fear towards computers now.
especially when they shut down by themselves.
thats when it gets really scary yes?

and my ipod is driving me nuts.
cant be bothered to find out why.

think 'm gonna get another mp3
to pamper myself yes ?

thats it.
can i be the hero thats in me ?

oh damn shit.

theres a yamaha performance on
saturday at tampines mall. 3.30pm.
come please.

sun tanning on sunday.
anyone wanna join in the sunny fun ?

this attraction is getting nowhere.
somethings are better left unsaid.

finally. 'll have some extra income today.

design drawing's not done.
and i've barely started on my flash.
damn.

i dont intend to be early for class anyway.

infatuation is a wild escapade 'm gg through.
its just that smile that captivates me.

sometimes i dont mean what i say or what i do.
so dont take things so seriously please.

have anyone ever told you that she likes you ?

techno songs are played in class.
a bloody mixture of hits.

i dont like it when class starts at 830am.
and the lecturer happily took mc.

'm early today please.
damn.

laters.

butt almost went numb watching
a very long engagement. its M18.
dont i look like my age ?

i think i need a little spice in my life.
everything is getting so dull.
i'm getting rather sick and tired of life.

think i've fallen for -----------.
everything seems to be so cliche.

like i said. its bloody unpredictable.
i've never expected myself to be crazy over you.

damn.
someone brainwash me please.

as i stood there and stared.
thoughts lingered as if theres no tomorrow.

theres good and theres bad.

i've already accpeted what fate had brought me.
and you've kindly allowed fate to find your destiny.

everything is so unpredictable.

walking away is a very big issue in life.
cause the moment you walk away
everything changes.

sudden crave to take photos of the scenery.
will you join me in photography ?

when happiness is just one step closer.
will you ?


how did i fall in love with you.

i swear i so dislike design drawing.
finally done with that animation crapp.

that thought of 20 figures is killin' me.

aint sure whats that 2 faced monster trying to do.
and i dont wish to know anything.

i dislike being hot-tempered.
i dislike being moody.
i dislike doing his homework.
i dislike people who choose to lie.
i dislike 2 faced monsters.

i dislike everything now.

so dont ask me what i like.
cause i'm beginning to dislike her too.
damn.

this is getting a little crazy.
but sometimes it gets me thinking
what are you actually up to.
i dislike thinking.

but because of you. i think!
maybe the greatest mistake i've made
is knowing you.

i feel so sorry. for myself.

sit down and reflect and soon you will realize
that everything is not appreciated at all.

constantine's a great catch.

the thought of certain pple
really spoilts pple's mood.

valentine's day is just an ordinary day yes ?

if you love someone.
everyday is valentine's day.
why celebrate on just valentine's day itself.

how dumb.

think 'm making no sense.

"against all odds" is a nice song.
m beginning to love that song.
it links to my life somehow.

what if one day you find out that
the reason why i cant move on is because
of the guilt you left behind for me ?

i cant stop thinking of you.
and its another you im talking abt.

damn.
i'm starting to make no sense in everything i say.

-
thank you chicken for willing to help me
get things done.
i really appreciate it alot. really.

i've become really tired.
very tired indeed.

whats going on i dont wish to know.
i just know that 'm tired.
that i dont wish to do anything anymore.

you're not my everything.
neither 'm i ur everything.

so if you wanna walk away.
just go and dont come back alright.
i'm tired of always having you in me.

damn.

that sight becomes so weird.
it was a totally uneasy feeling.
but i smiled.

due to certain reasons.
sometimes a person just dont try hard enough.
even it is to put in a little more effort.

i don't understand you
neither do i understand myself.

-
chilling out at mustafa is definitely
better than throwing your money at drinks
that make you go dizzy.

at least you can pig yourself out to chicken burgers.
and take loads of photos at "india's goldland."

i just found out that
mustafa is opened 24hours.

i dislike design drawing alot.
i dislike the teacher.
i dislike the work load.

i think 'm going mad at the sight of work.

i need to save for a holiday soon.

laters.

I DONT LIKE YOU.
the thought of you turns pple off.
-

i like chinese new year.
i like red packets.
i like winning loads of money.
i like everything that is now.

no changes please.

i like you.
but uncertain thoughts hits me.
can i see the REAL you ?

and who talks abt dying during cny ?
-
i dont want another pretty face.
i dont want just anyone to hold.
i want you and your beautiful soul.

this is maryann chan's dedication to you.

thank you very nice.
welcome very much.

thats when one's english gets so very broken.
right fish ?
-

when the night gets late
and nobody's listening
nonsense gets in the way and
make a fool outta everyone.

but 'm glad.

i dont wish to look back.
i dont wish to think of the outcome.
i dont like it when trust is broken.

that voice is above all.
nothing compares.

that thought makes me smile.
its funny how.

can this smile not be temporary anymore ?

i wont talk
i wont breathe
i wont move till you finally see
that you belong with me.
you might think i dont look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
'm attached to you.
'm weak
its true.
cause 'm afraid to know the answer.

do you want me too ?
cause my heart keeps falling faster.

've waited all my life
to cross this line
to the only thing thats true.
so i will not hide
its time to try
anything to be with you.
all my life i've waited.
this is true.
-

i've waited all my life to cross this line.
finally 'm 20.
suddenly.
ryann dont feel young anymore.

the one didnt forget abt me.
was really elated at the sight of that msg.

everyone take risks in life.
the biggest risk ryann's taking is
basically trust.

promise to be a better person.
promise to stop skipping classes.
promise to ...

are promises meant to broken ?

its funny how one person can react.
maybe that smile is just too captivating.

-
i know when i go. i'll be on my way to you
the way thats true.

thank you everyone.

nothing can describe the way 'm feeeling
towards every action that you've made.
-

some people just talk without thinking.
from that moment on.
some pple's existence disappeared into thin air.
maryann's totally over you.
and everything just became hatred.

thank you classmates for the birthday presents.
thank you good friends for the levi's boxers.
thank you everyone who came down
boat quay to wish me happy birthday.
thank you chicken for all that you've done for me.

theres so much thanks.
ryann simply dont know where to stop.

from the moment you told me how you felt.
everything changes.

reconsidered every msg i want to send.
reconsidered every call i want to make.
eventually.
just stood there and stare into blank space.
ryann didnt make that call nor send that msg.
i really needed someone.
and i was all alone.

just cant bring myself to dial that number.

burdened thoughts filled my mind.
cant find that courage anywhere.

less then 2 hours to 20.
sounds old yes ?

looking forward to that msg.
feared that it is forgotten.

hope ryann actually meant something
to you somehow yes ?

just need someone who i can confide to
at my darkest moment.
basically trust.

is that too hard ?

i should be more sensible.
and look forward to a day everyone
thinks its special.

should i meet the peeps to chill ?
laters.

i don't want another pretty face
i don't want just anyone to hold
i don't want my love to go to waste
i want you and your beautiful soul

u're the one i wanna chase
u're the one i wanna hold
i wont let another minute go to waste
i want you and your beautiful soul
-

lies.
i hate them.
you used lies to make excuses.
every single lie you made.
extend the hatred i've for you.
maryann reluctantly choose to trust you.
-
that stupid jody kwa surprised me.
thanks pal for everything and for the chain.

had marche.
kbox-ed.
headed to music underground.

the taste of alcohol is oh so sweet.
thanks peeps for the cheeze choc cake.

look forward to meeting the good friends and best friend.
dinner with the ex classmates.

i dont look forward to my birthday.
can time just stop now ?

thank you for being there for me.
and taking care of me with constant messages.

theres nothing no one can do.
to lessen this hatred in me.
my life aint screwed up because of her.
its just me wasting time on entertaining her.
what a fool i can get yes ?

hope 'm one year older and wiser.

want to see that chicken in school.
damn.

so should ryann skip school today ?
-
words hit me so hard.
try to put that fake smile on again.

should i be glad cause i've you in my life ?
or
should i be upset cause things aint the same anymore ?

skipping school so gonna be a habit soon.
dislike the sight of certain lecturers.
damn.

-
dine at da paolo e judie.
thanks brother for that treat.

joined the crowd at chinatown.
cabbing becomes a habit too.

some plans were cancelled.
stared at the message.
thanks pal for being there for me.

dislike the thought of making excuses.
i dont like.

started to ignore.
cause thats the only thing that can
make me get over you.

looking forward to today and tmr.

i love you pal.
thanks for everything.

as i saw you walking away.
all i can do is continue that
conversation with my friend.
-

it didnt mattered to me anyway.
cause i aint stupid.
i know wad you did behind my back.
so what if you know wads going on.
at least i know.
i didnt lie.

skipped all classes today.
didnt have the mood for school.

meeting that long lost friend ltr.
and 've to wait for that chicken to
finish her meeting at TCC.

'm gonna be 20 soon.
so another 4 more days to be YOUNG.
damn.

looking forward to events that
dont bring tears.

she walked away.
and you came along.

so lets play this game together.
'll try to be good.

lastly.
happy birthday sharon.

laters.

have u ever decided not to become a couple
because you were so afraid of
losing what you already had with that person ?
-

got a topman top with sharon.
nydc with chicken.

monday was a screwed up day.
'm sorry alright.
hope everythings' fine.

hope that particular dream wont come true.

thank you everyone who spared a thought
making planns.
everything is appreciated.

thank you very much.

saw you walking away.
turn away and not come back
alright.

'm sick of living in denial.

laters.

called a rooster by a chicken.
how great ?

theres nothing happy looking forward
to upcoming events.
everyday's just an ordinary day.

i know you did it on purpose.

get this fact into your life.
i don't like you.

wad 'm doing online at this hour
when class is starting at 8.30am ?

thank you auntie.
ryann loves you so very much.

so looking forward to today's web design class.
or the after school made planns ?

i want my shima shima.
i want my POA berms.
i want that pink stripes topman top.
i want that new scent.

the list goes on...

i want so many things.

anyone wanna get them for my coming bday ?
i'll accept them with much love.

friends are very important.
to me that is.

bathe.

so many times
i've played around
moving from one to another
i've been a fool and i've been unkind.

-

all along i was being stupid.
you can never see how much a fool i can get.

so many a times you wished that everytime
the phone beeps.
that person is the one you've been waiting for.

its just the little things you do
make me go head over heels.

i wave goodbye to yesterdays
wipe the tears you hide your face
blinded by the sorrow.

"how can i be smiling like before
when baby you dont love me anymore."

laters.

i started to joke
which started the whole world crying.

don't know which way to go anymore.
find myself lost.

thank you for the converstations.
thank you for the constant messages.
thank you for the advices gave.

think you're the only one who cares.
thank you.

'm tired of the pain.
'm tired of lies.
detest people who lives in denial.

but then again.
'm living in denial.
how contradicting yes ?

'll get over this for sure.
cause i know that ryann aint alone.

'm gonna do my homework.
'm gonna complete my presentation.

everythings' as per normal.
no way its gonna affect me.

'm just happy that at the end of the day.
i still have you.
thank you.
'll continue to cherish.

a lifetime promise.

nothing else matters.
'll go to school.

laters.

it makes no difference.

've been wasting too much time on
stuffs that arent important.

someone slap me please.

happened too fast.
ended too early yes ?
what the fuck got into me anyway.

broke the rules of the game.
fell too hard.
struggling hard to breakfree.

uncertain.
thoughts are infected.
living in a world of contradictions.

need to wake out before its too late.

dislike the thought of leaving.

but then again.
i dont know wad 'm thinking abt.


maybe its better to forget the
ones in our hearts first.
before another step is taken.

laters.

school's been really hectic.
theres simply a need to breakfree.

i forsee many problems coming my way.
one after another.
running away aint any solution.

mu was not bad for a saturday night.
caught omen.
not really a scary movie yes ?
caught elekta.
jennifer garner is simply HOT.
can i have a date with her please ?

mum and aunt are looking forward to my 21st bday.
'm not even 20 yet please.

stars aren't cursed elemets anymore yes ?
they are really beautiful when you watch em' with much love.
are special moments made to be cherished ?
ryann need more faith to believe before falling.

whats the point of starting something when
you know that at the end of the day.
there will be nothing but heartaches and tears ?

but then again.
many choose to start.
and bear the consequences eventually.

'm uncertain.
thank you for the conversation.

just hope i make the right choices in life.
not live to regret.

need to start on that darn presentation.
13 more days to that not so awaited day.

as usual.
'm so lazy please.

thursday.
met the bodyguards.
dine at plaza sing's secret recipe.
walked down far east.
bodyguards left me in sher's hands.

met sher at lucky plaza.
den walked to heerens.
back to plaza sing for a drink as planned.
but sher had this sudden crave for ice-cream !
drink plan cancelled.
swensen's so hated us.
closed.
ice-cream plan cancelled.
both were tempted into watching a midnight movie.
dont have very much choice.
walked back to cine to catch a show.
"kungfu hussle".
we had the greatest laugh of that night.

walked ard orchard in the early hours of a friday morning.
started crapping abt having kungfu powers.
wondered where we got the energy to walk yes ?
back to plaza sing.
den decided to walk to esplanade.
we WALK-ed there.
can imagine yes ?

chatted.
flashes of unpleasent moments.
but gues its jus clinging onto the memories.

last.
thank you sher. for that fantastic night out.

friday.
holiday.
spend practically the whole day at tamp.

its time to continue that presentation.
before time start to run out.
ryann need to start working hard.

dont care what you say or what you do.
it aint affecting ryann in anyway.

whereabouts matters alot perhaps.
but then again i dun care.

running away from reality.
cause i know.
theres no one who can be as good as her.
comparing is unfair.
nothings fair.

i miss her.
but there one thing i cant do.



i cant fall deeper in love with her.
'll be left with nothing eventually.

so be it.

/laters.



took on 210105.

've to admit i miss the messages sent.
've to admit i miss that voice.

well.


've to admit that i miss you.

this feeling is somewhat weird.
but i thought it was really over.
why the hell did it come back again ?

'm all confused.
n i dun wanna think.

just give me more work.
and i promise to be a good.

i want to forget you.
completely please.

people are changing with time.
friends behaving unlike themselves.
whats wrong with the world.

i really want to know.
just stop living in denial.
it aint good.

unfortunately.
gave my best shot.
really dunno whats next in line.

a smile warms the heart thats wounded.

/laters.

'm on MC today.
its been ages since i've seen the doc.

i slept till abt 11am tday.
and happily someone called me a sleepyhead yes ?

wad's love like if you havent been in it
for a long time ?
ryann aint sure.
'm looking for that answer.

alrightys.
presentation's early this term.
26th january.

the distance is getting wider.
theres nothing i can do yes ?

just give me a simple and happy life please.
thats all i asked for this birthday.


thnks to dr. jessica de souza
for all the nags.

laters.

i walk a lonely road
the only one that i have ever known
don't know where it goes
but it's home to me and i walk alone.

i walk this empty street
on the boulevard of broken dreams
where the city sleeps
and 'm the only one and i walk alone.

'm walking down the line
that divides me somewhere in my mind
on the border line
of the edge and where i walk alone.

read between the lines
what's fucked up and everything's alright
check my vital signs
to know 'm still alive and i walk alone.

my shadow's the only one that walks beside me
my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
sometimes i wish someone out there will find me
'til then i walk alone.

-

ryann's sick again.
the distance is beginning to drift.
all i can do is watch us drift.

cant do anything about it.

fear is a major factor.
it prevents yoo from moving on.
lack-ed the courage.

simple words cheers you up.
but is that a moment of happiness.
or a lifetime ?

i've to find that courage.
'm lost for words.
've lost my way.

can someone guide me please ?

the craze is over i guess yes ?

the end.

don't wish to talk abt it.
drew that line between.
know the limits.

thats the furthest i can go.
i cant try any harder.

'm coughing again.
sooner or later.
ryann 'll be down with that sickness.

i can imagine stress coming back.
but who cares ?

laters.

realised it went missing.
but who cares anyway.

since its gone.
let it be gone.

'm off to school.
its gonna be a really long day.

but nothing's gonna affect ryann.
nothing in particular.

craves for more chocolates.
damn.

everything's so unpredictable.

realised i start to miss out the best things in life.
though things are changing.
ryann know that they happen for a reason.
i wont look back and try to save the situation.
'll just stay here and see how things work.

nothing's affecting me.
its just the thought of workload
rushing towards my direction that scares me off.

it aint significant anymore.
lost its importance as days goes by.

'm glad school started.
at least i dont think that much anymore.

stayover-ed at pal's last night.
ryann needs some quality rest now.

thought pre-press production was fun.
but to re-consider.
NO.
ryann cant draw with a computer pen.
damn.
gotta practise on my lappie tonight.
see if i can draw somethings out.

hopefully not crapps yes ?

laters.

ice cream makes ryann happy.

lecturer for basic web design was alright.
but my classmates are kinda screwed up yes ?
except for a few who are really nice.
1/2 the population are china peeps.

ryann so wanna transfer to 1G.
all the peeps are there.

its wasnt a really boring journey back home yes ?
just that staring glances and irritating voices
affected my mood in a way.

that stupid fish asked me to change hair colour.
maybe its really malu-ating to go out with
a so called ah beng who cant make it yes ?

looking forward to 2D animation lectures tmr.
hopefully it aint boring yes ?
starting skl late for the rest of the week.
ryann definitely can sleep longer.

ryann's happy today.
i dunno why. i just feel this way.

off to bed.
laters.

they just had to break the news to me
before the new year starts.

ryann met ms. fish and crystal at chijmes.
once again.
'm called a ah beng by that heartless fish.

walked down boat quay.
cause was told to learn to compromise.
it was a great night drinking your hearts' out.
and not thinking that 'm working full the next day.

met jody and the peeps at golden cafe.
walked by monks.
wanted to say gdbye to some friends.
but ended up wishing everyone happy new year.

walked back to chijmes to meet ms. fish.
the prawn is sorry for screwing up the fish's mood yes ?

-

ryann's really elated.
for some reasons that concern-ed the heart.

'm happy that i've met that special one.
she made me realised that by just loving someone
and not being with her can actually make you happy in a way ?

messages do count.
words does matter.
its just the way yoo look at it.
and feel really contented.

cause even i aint with her.
'm glad 'm smiling even at the darkest moment.

school's reopen-ing in less than 24 hours.
that thought excites me in way.

hope things wont screw up my life.
and complications dun come my way.

i shall live by the game.
and play by breaking some rules yes ?

if theres a tragic ending.
and when tears falls. i know that i aint the only one.

ryann's happier. really.

till then.
take care peeps.

happy new year.

've come to the last day of the year.
many things happened.

people disappearing after every appearance.
walking in and outta lives.

lies said to save that pride.
've yoo have suspected that i knew that lie ?
've kept it in me. God knows how long.
but still. i gave yoo the benefit of the doubt.
are yoo just putting a fake front ?

even as friends.
lies were said.
how 'm i supposed to take another step ?

'll make a confession.
've read those sent items.
so does it ring a bell ?

to who yoo know yoo r.
'm sorry for wadever happened yes ?
promise me yoo wont look back.

talking abt commitment.
ryann simply cant live up to that.
'll try working things out. no promises yes ?

'm trying hard to work out some
personal problems.
try to work things out with me please ?

my new year resolution.
work hard.
the pals 've something in mind yes ?

leave those planns to a brand new year.
our friendship is a lifetime promise.

leave all those memories behind.
dont look back. look forward.

.drahyllaersti.gniyrtllits.uoytegrofotdeirti

a happy and blessed new year peeps.

term 3 and 4 time table is out.
theres only 4 mm classes as predicted.

i end skl at 5plus everyday.
except for monday i end at 11.20am.
but its not worth it when
lessons actually starts at 8.30am.

that reminds me that i cant laze on bed anymore.

damn.

black was kinda fun ytd.
saw some friends that i havent seen a long time.
can i go back and be my old self ?
well. sometimes its too late when you 've alr
set your mind to change.

school's gonna reopen next week .
tmr's the end of the year.
time really passes by fast yes ?

'm really late for work.
supposed to start at 12pm.
n ryann havent bathe.
today's full shift.
tmr's off.
and its full shift on new year's day.

all i hope to see is that silly lil face
popping by at my workplace
and a simple hello 'll actually make my day.

are we really happier this way ?

sometimes i think of yoo.
sometimes i dont.
tell me what to do.
cause i might drift away from yoo.
and it 'll hurt to see that distance apart.

why is it that you r always the first thing
on my mind ?

laters.

time can change the people around us.
in fact time can change many things.

hate life.
dislike the way it is.
but then. 'm still living it.

how contradicting yes ?

caught "meet the fockers" on sunday.
havent watched a movie for like ages yes ?

got addicted to that song.

"say a little prayer for the restless heart.
we shall never ever drift apart."

know that 'm with yoo.
with yoo all the time.

behind every song. theres a meaning.
maybe yoo just gotta use your heart to feel.

ryann's immune to that feeling.
'm sorry for the way 'm. i just dun wish to hurt.

hardly stay-ed home.

spent x'mas eve working.
just 1minute before i end work.
jody's head and my head bumm-ed into
each others'
and the whole bowl of pumkin soup was on us.

merry christmas !

aunt's place for xmas eve party.
couldnt make it for mass at novena.
so headed to holy fam for midnight service.

a heartless person says i look-ed lk a ah beng.
that rather saddening yes ?

walked to ecp.
sang "we wish you a merry christmas" to someone.
and she said that she was touched in a way ? haas.

thats it for xmas eve.

was knocked out at 5am ?
the sun was shinning really bright at 9am.
so it concludes that ryann only slept for 4hours ?

hangover yes ?

ran many errands in that black car.

lunch-ed at cousin's place.
and i happily fell aslp aft lunch.

met that pal at tampines.
walked around.
the crowd was a total headache.

met her darling.
cabbed down bedok.
den cabbed back to her sengkang hse.

town was our last destination.

something hit me real hard.
and ryann's mood was affected suddenly.

i find myself on a lookout for someone.
a simple msg is that hard to recieve yes ?

seriously hate the thought of thinking much.
cause it will make loads of things really complicated.
and suddenly yoo just dunno wad to do.

yoo feel all alone.

this christmas aint christmas at all.
'm glad its over.

my only wish this christmas is to see my father.
'm seriously missing him real bad.
but i know i cant find him anywhere. not again.
nothing can bring him back.

'm sorry, dad.
i 'll be a better person next year.

to be kick-ed when you r down.
to feel lk you've been pushed around.

happy boxing day everyone.
ryann's off to bed again.

the imaginative mind starts to think.

it was the same place.
the same vehicle number.
the same destination.
the school that passed by.
the seat that is empty.

wasnt home for the night.
sleep-over at jody's place.

bowl-ed at hougang aft work ytd.
den had some delicious nasi lemak.

heard some real life stories.
and i start-ed to realise that
mine was not the worst of all.

i should feel fortunate.

things are beginning to turn another angle.
weird in a way.
but i'll accept whatever that comes.

looking forward to a brand new year.

've learnt quite abit for these 3months.
'm changed somehow.
time can actually tell many things.

at least i can look into the mirror and tell
myeslf that 'm glad that i didnt take another step.

"the fart coming outta your arse
is simply irritating the shit outta me."

ryann recieved the best x'mas present tdy.

nafa sent me a letter.
've got into the course i all along
wanted to major in.

ryann 's specialisation is multimedia.

'm happy.
really am.

thnks to all who helped me believe in myself.

thnks mr. jody kwa who's always asking
me to be strong.
ff pals rocks singapore yes ?

'm glad i depended on myself to come this far.

i should be glad.

'm really happy till 'm close to tears.

4 more days to that awaited x'mas.
frankly.
dont find myself in the x'mas mood.

my life changed alot during this coming 3months.
i learnt alot about myself.
and how to look at things differently.
many things happened.

but 'm gonna put them all behind
and start a brand new year with
new hopes and dreams.

recently.
i feel different.

so different that i dunno who yoo r anymore.

yoo dun used to be this way.
'm confused over who yoo really are.

maybe yoo dont see any differences.

've got really tired over all these things
that makes one's life really complicated.

used to think waiting serves a purpose.
used to think trying hard 'll bring yoo somewhere.

but eventually.
the pain still lingers here.
that i can feel it stabbing my heart sometimes.

dun wish to know abt her.
dun wish to know hows shes doing.
dun wish to hear her name ringing in my head.

inside me.
that existence died long ago.

've moved on.
not with someone else.
but with life.

its a little boring somehow.
but i dun get involved in un-concerned matters.

a daily routine

at the end of the day.
just put yoo head down and sleep.
dont bother thinking of other matters.
that dont concern.
they just make life more miserable.

because everything is nothing
and emptiness isn't everything
this reality is really just a fucked up dream
with the flesh and the blood that you call your soul
flip it inside out it's a big black hole
take your money burn it up like an asteroid possession
though you're never gonna feel the void
take it away and learn your best lesson .


dont expect others to change.
change yourself.

dont have time for the internet nowadays.
simply cause theres more practical things
to do rather than spending time online.

finally.
aft like so many days.
'm off-ed from work.
'm heading to church to meet the peeps
and my 2 darlings.
den meeting the mother .bro n sister for
some christmas shopping.

my schedule is so packed.
that 've like my schedule next week planned out.

monday 'll be work and lessons ltr
in the night.

tuesday 'll be rest day but meeting
jody for some christmas shopping.

wednesday 'll be haircut and dye day.

thursday 's back to work and
some birthday party at some hotel.

friday's christmas eve.
but 'm working.
and a quiet and simple dinner perhaps ?
theres midnight mass though.

christmas 'll be meeting my best pal
jody for some funn in the circus. haas.
we might be visiting this cute lil boy we met
at work.
his mother invited us over.
*gab is simply a cute 4 year old.

worked 10hours ytd.
went supper-ing at checkers.

and did i mention that jasper's car
really cool ?

thurs we went 85 for supper.
mas drove his car and we were lk
opening the window and blasting
techno.
well. being really nice.
jody played crazy baby for lucy and me.

wanted to go music underground ytd.
but then.
aint sure why i didnt have the clubbing mood.

jody and i cabbed home eventually.
cause we were really tired.
she went to find her love.
i went to find my bed at home. hahas.

well.
thats it i guess .
i didnt face the comp for like 3days yes ?

and now ryann feels like sleeping again.
i cant wait to go back church.

just saw my school calender.
school starts on the 3rd jan 2005.
i can imagine stress coming back yes ?

well.
did i mention that my fish is back from
hongkong ?

lately i think shes becoming a lil silly yes ?

and 've to say
i really feel comfy talking to that best pal of mine.
jody kwa and ryann chan = friends for life !

if life is like the way it is now.
'm really pleased in a way.
but then .
complications interrupt-ed my so called pleased life
and take away wad i desire and dream of.



i know we haven't seen each other
in awhile but you will always be my boo.

there wasnt a crowd.
just quite a number of last minute orders.

met the peeps from church at suntec.
saw many pple that 've not seen a long time.
my darlings' presence really cheered me up.

cabbed down zouk.
bummed into a few friends.
the crowd was terrible.
didnt 've the mood to club.
paul drove me home with the 2 other girls
eventually.

was really happy to see friends that
i've not seen for a pretty long time.

'm given 10hours on thurs.

and 'm really happy yes ?

today's thursday.
a day that i was looking forward to.

but somehow.
this feeling is different.

its just that their presence makes me
think that 'm really happy with life.

i just dun wan complications.

ryann needs a simple life.

heard that she went ard bad-mouthing
abt me yes ?

news travelled real fast.
i thought it was worth the tears.

but then.
think again
it isnt worth it yes ?

alrights.

today's gonna be a long day.
ryann needs quality rest. off to bed.

today's thursday.
and theres 9 more days to christmas.

yoo better be back soon yes ?

mr jody kwa is off

but.
she just called and said
shes working tdy.

'm so happy. 've my pal to accompany me.

can crapp ard.
can wash the cups.

i just cant stand her naggings.
ah.

hey pal.
r we gg for the music dance ride soon ?

'm looking forward to it yes ?

10more days.

i cant find my xmas stocking. ahh.

'll santa put a packet of fisherman's friend
inside my stocking ?

hahs.

gotta get ready for work.

joelle finally sent me those pictures.


me and michelle.


joelle and me.


bryan and me.


michelle me and my darling.


---


ryann got thru 98.7fm last night.
freaked me out somehow.

wanted to mention so many names.
but eventually.
my tongue was tied.

thought it was luck that i got thru.
eventually.
my sister got thru too.

so both sisters were on air.

i sounded like crapp.
and the DJ thought i was a guy.
he said 've got a really low voice.

well.
was on the line with jody and vivien.
and jody was like .
why didnt i mention jody kwa ?!

pal : "be glad i mentioned your name."

anyway.
heard something abt her.
and i was kinda affected by it.
guessed shes changed.
so much that i can hardly believe my ears
when i heard abt it.

christmas is coming.
and jody just gotta remind me abt her levi's ahem.
its a money week.
everything involves money.

well.
its a season of giving.

i miss my quiksilver pullover.
and i still cant accept the fact that its lost.

ryann woke up shouting her name.
and mother thought she was crazy.

'm gonna be single for 3months.
and 'm rather happy with the way life is now.

no pain.
no tears.

just looking forward to every tomorrow.
its the start of a brand new day.
and new happenings.

'm i gonna stay this way for long ?

when skl starts.
i guess i wont have time to
take relationships into consideration.

lets wait and see.

the best things in life comes when yoo aint
noticing it.

let time decide.

the mother started playing x'mas songs.

the nick that used to be there 24/7.
's not there anymore.

alrights.
boredom is seriously killin' yes ?

think 'll just drop by workplace.
get next week's schedule done
and then head home for dinner ?

the fish left the prawn in the
singapore sea. almost dead now.

the brother left his brother in time
of boredom. which is killin' now.

lets see what ryann 'll become when both
are back ?

2 more days.

'm not in the christmas mood.

though the background plays never-ending
christmas songs.

ryann only awaits to the new year.
cause its a start of of a new beginning.


countdown 11 more days to christmas.

18 more days to 2005 .

'll i 've many gifts ?

its really getting a lil boring in here.




i'm dying of boredom.
boredom kills.


the thought of your presence
kills the person in me.

i cant find yoo anywhere.
cause this time yoo aint near anymore.

yoo r somewhere outta reach.

come back soon yes ?

or else eating and slping 'll become
a habit for me.

and for that girl who said shes gg missing.
take care please.

consider the fact that theres pple out
there who cares alot for her.
and hopes for her return.

though i dunno wad is actually gg on.
and 'm not being updated.
i hope shes taking good care of herself.

cuts and wounds.
bleedings and scars
frightened the inner child in me.

but its all over.

sometimes they come running back.

the flashes of hurt. pain. bleedings. scars.
wounds and cuts appears occasionally.

but why ?

no one can find that answer.

i cant love.
i only can be happy at the sight
of certain pple.

i need faith to believe in love once again.

its taking too long for this open wound to heal.
and this wound never seem to heal.

sometimes ryann stares into blank spaces.

cant say i hate her.
cause 'll be lying.

cant say i dont feel anything for her.
cause its really contradicting.

ryann just dunno wads in that mind.
cause ryann just choose to run.

but no matter how far she runs.

thoughts and words 'll come running back.
catching up the pace.


all i wished for x'mas
is a simple life. a normal life.

and hope that thoughts of that broken promise
'll leave.

if i can turn back time.
i wont love.
i wont believe.

if i didnt love and believe.
i guess 'll be a happier person tdy.
and she wont be in the state she is now.

well.

things happened for a reason yes ?

it happened.

and we just gotta face it.

the night was long.
found myself dropping the tears.

've to admit.
theres a good future ahead.
theres a promising career.

but 'm i gonna leave everything behind ?

my mind is destructed.
cant stop thinking of the outcome.

dreams are coming true.
but its all a little too early to be happening.

its a terrible week.
cause everyone's going away.

and kinda upset over the fact that
some pretty gd friends are leaving the country.

alrights.
've recovered from that illness.
the voice's a little husky.

've this sudden crave for tom yam noodles.


its gonna be a lonely x'mas.


anyone wanna accompany ryann this x'mas ?
hahas.


*strike off that fossil watch in wishlist.

this aint happening.

thoughts are coming back.
they are running back towards me.




stop going missing please.

ryann's sick again.

it was great pain last night.

at least i know i meant something to her.
in a way or another ?

frankly.
'm really contented the way that we are.

've to admit.
'm tired of always making the first moves.
tired of always being the ONE.

why cant it be her ?

is this the way life's supposed to be ?

its unfair.

've sorta given up.
've lost the power to love.

simply just lose the faith of loving someone.

is there no one dat can make me
believe in love again ?

'm trying.
to get over that love that ended.
that broken promise.
the walking away. the words said.

all imprinted in this mind of ryann's.

its hard.
but somethings 've to be forgotten.

i find myself missing no one anymore.

maybe cause 'm tired.
i need a rest.
and i hope at the end of the day.

thoughts of her wont come running back.

i need quality rest.
this sickness is getting me nowhere.

simply hate life at this moment.
my life screwed up somehow.

but i believe everything 'll be fine soon ?

at least 've someone by my side.

'm thankful.

really 'm. thank yoo.

found out somethings
that i aint supposed to knw.

or can i say no one supposed to knw ?

i dislike being treated like a fool.

my sixth sense is stronger than yoo
ever thought it could be.

i dislike being forced to do something
that yoo asked me to.

n its always at the very last minute.

blow yoo temper like theres no tmr ?

i suddenly dread staying home.

irregular moodswings n
temperamental thoughts scares me away.

the night wasnt that silent aftall.
at least she kept me awake
with constant messages till i fell aslp.

thoughts lingers here.
but this feeling aint love.

but infactuation.

its just a simple crush that 'll fade away.

'm really sure.

listening to.
welcome to my life. [ simple plan ]

'm disappointed to wads gg on.


'm not a perfect person.
nv meant to do those things to yoo.

've alr set my mind on this.
dont wanna step into confusion.


studied the facts.
understood the eventual happenings.

things are better kept this way.
'm more than contented.

life still goes on.

hope yoo dont ruin yoo life.
spare a thought for your loved ones.

listening to.
look what you've done. [ jet ]

considered the outcome.
considered the neglections.

eventually.
'll be left with nothing but hurt.


'm used to the excuses.

'm glad to 've ffpal w me.
her words hit me real hard.

though reality hurts badly.
but sometimes yoo gotta accept wad it brings.

considered the hurt.
considered my friends.

ryann's backing out.

search for yoo happiness.

this friendship still exists.

its just a crush perhaps.


'm feeling really sick.

cant stop thinking of her.
i miss her so f cuking much can.

finally.
she's online.

i thought she went missing.


ohh.

"Lord, i pray for good weather. "


off to meet that big shot dude, jody kwa.

ryann's down with that sickness.

outta 3messages.
none was hers.

let time decide
if that someone actually mattered to her.

clubbed at happy.
the music was acceptable.
rnb was to the later part.

recalled being pushed by pple's butts.

'm head over heels that it shows.
'm lost in yoo.

sometimes i just want things to remain
the way they are.

but then.

its hard.

did i mention its the holidays ?

no more sleepless nights.
no more assignments.

its just a break from everything.


// ryann awaits.

its a stab.
right thru that heart of mine.

ryann's lost.

really.

even there 0.01% of hope.
'm still trying.

n hopes things 'll be fine.

its gonna be a busy week.

that girl seem really far away.

so near yet so far.

find myself smiling at myself
for no reasons.

guess this is wad pple
do when they are in love with certain pple.

ryann aint in love.
just feel happy with her around.
just find myself smiling at her messages.

does it mean anything ?

i doubt so.

cause i dread falling in love.

should i give it another shot ?


n did that girl went missing ?
thoughts still exist.

but 'm totally over her.
've put an end to my past.
gdbye.

taufik rocks my socks.



she just dont get it.

've made it obvious.


dreams do come true.

yoo just got to believe.
've a little faith in me.

sometimes you wish you can
put your heart to trust.

somehow you realise that this
world is filled with lies.

backstabs and lies becomes a habit.

i learnt to trust nobody.

fisherman's fren is exceptional.

first impression was great.
but whn you realised that all along it was a lie
behind that face.

you 'll be filled with disappointment.

things changed.
people lied to save that pride.

theres a crack.
mending 'll be hard.

've lost that faith.

search your heart.

everyone wears a mask behind that face.
i've one too.

trust me ?

or

doubt me?

it makes no difference.

cause at the end of the day.

i know the lies.

i just dont seem to understand why is
there a need to lie.

its not late to find out though.

forgive and forget.



ryann still hope for that return.

simply wont take that risk.
confessing 'll ruin everything.

'm i thinking too much.
or is it just ignorance ?

she wanted to go to the beach.
she was upset.

sent a msg outta concern.
guess i aint needed anymore.

true enough.
time can actually change the way
a person feels.

i look at her differently.
the feelings 've for her is just
so hard to describe.

my past.
i do look back.

sometimes theres happiness.
sometimes theres tears.

drifted apart for more than 2 months.

things changed.

let it remain this way.

gg back to make ammends
is just a waste of time.
when pple just happened to take
things for granted.

thinking that you are there.
thinking that you still love her.

making a fool outta myself.

sometimes i laugh at myself.

is love that powerful to make a
person lose his/her mind ?

sometimes.
its good to give up.

i might still love her.
i might still live on the memories.

but does she even bother ?

at the end of the day.

ryann's a fool.

term 2 is over in a week's time.
a whole term w/o her
feels so empty.

my life's screwed up.
not because of anyone.

but cause of myself.
i created this mess.

i choose to love.
i choose to hurt.
i choose to runaway.
i choose to walk away.
i choose to give up.
i threw temper.
i had terrible moodswings.

why ?

look.

thats the imperfectionist.
ryann.

stress period is gone.
the ryann's back.

look at that girl with that broken smile.


've fallen for her.


i know its wrong.
so wrong that it might cause complications.

complications can ruin friendships.

'll you ever ignore me?


her presence is all that mattered.



off to work.
i smiled at that sight of the message.

i dreamt of that girl last night.

was supposed to complete my
visual elements.

the bed was just too tempting.
i ended up sleeping.

this blog 'll be left unattended for days.

cause 'll be away.


've too many things to do.

its driving me nuts.

just wads going on.

i hate complications.






assignments are waiting for me.
its all piled up and ready.

off.


to be kicked whn yoo're down.
to feel lk yoo've been pushed ard.

i look at the amt of work piled up
in my bedroom.
it just simply drive me nuts !

its raining heavily now.
'm stuck in school.
wondering if shes caught in dat rain.

o'levels ended.

'll everything change from this moment?

've to complete my figure drawing final project
before this friday.
one final a2. 5 sketches.
realised that 've like another 4 self-portraits.
all not done.

my perspective's not done yet.

its gonna be 2weeks' of rushing.

its the raining season.

've like lost contact with her.

do i even feel something for her still?

i think 've drifted apart.

sometimes yoo wish yoo can hold her hand.
hold her close and let her know how yoo feel.

but know wad.

its hurts when eventually


yoo 'll 've to walk away.

pal's sick. shes down with the sickness.

well.
've to just conclude.



'm tired.

well.

mother has been moodswinging for the
past few days.

i had late nights out.

and she claims i took things for granted.

haas.

never mind.

just realised that i have just another 1 week to
complete all my final projects.

next week 'll be the marking.

hmmm.

i just dislike the feeling whereby you
dun know wad exactly happened
but then a person that you used to be close to
just give you that cold shoulder.

i mean.
if that person mean alot to you.
you 'll definitely talk things out.

not just turn their back on you.

haas.

money is a big issue.

just imagine i put a few hundred
infront of you.

you will definitely be there.
n 'll start talking.

dun deny.
when you know its true.

look at the wonders of wad money can
actually do?

well.
i caught "forgotten" ytd.
with cousins and grandmother.
sister and bro.

've to admit we seriously spent alot.
on acarde games and food.

well.
wad matters most is that
we brought ourselves close to one another.

even things are getting worse.
meeting different pple everyday.

or even falling for pple i met.

it doesnt quite matter to me anymore.

at this point of time.
its God. family. friends.

i know dat things happened for a reason.

their childish acts and words.
dun make me angry.

but allow me to realise how childish
one can get outta jealousy.

or?

well.
'm just glad that 've ff pal by my side.
thru good and bad.
i know 've a friend that i can trust.

i dun have to have alot of friends.
just a few 'll do.
the more friends you have.
its a risk yoo take.

the higher chances of being stabbed by the back.

its been 2months.

and indeed 've learnt alot.

though i know she dun have my blog add.
but still i wanna let everyone know.
that because of her.
i am who i am today.
realising dat 've been taking
things for granted.


thnk you tiffany. you taught me to be stronger.


love.

well.


i dun believe in it anymore.
its just a game.

and for me.


its over.

i seriously need quality rest.

wednesday was shopping with ff pal.
she accompanied me to bro james's wake.

we had real nice ice cream aft that.
n i played my keyboard.

thurs was SR's dinner and dance.
met cindy at bishan.
den ff pal, cindy and i took a bus home.
i've to mention dat cindy sang real loud
on the bus. and she hardly know the lyrics.
it made ff pal n i laugh.

cindy was our beauty consultant.

cindy accompanied jody n i to suntec.
met dan and the rest there.

well.
cindy had ryann's ipod to accompany her.
haas.'

dinner was great but not that fantastic.
cause jody and i were waiting for the lucky draw
numbers to be called up.
n we ended up with nothing but
chocolate oreos.
loads n loads of them.

i joined the rest at MU.
the music was just great.
i drank quite abit.
started dancing.
maybe cause of the alcohol in me.
and i was lk perspiring.

they played 7years n 50days.
miracle. lonely and God is a girl.
well.
i realised that i can dance to techno?
which kinda shocked me too. haas.
left there ard 4plus.
i sent karin n colin home.

well.
i slpt for awhile.
den headed for 9am lectures.
lessons ended at 430pm.
n i worked at 6pm-10pm.

that stupid girl met me.
n i sent her home.

well.
some pple is falling for her classmate.
hahas.
who who?
*innocent look.

well.
supposed to meet cin n anne at monks?
but.im tired.
well.

uploaded pics. check it out peeps! =)

met fel n joelle.
caught a movie.

recieved a msg from pammie darl.
saying that bro james passed away.
i was upset.
really upset.
i lost another loved one.

he taught me to be stronger.
he taught me to have more confidence.
he saw that talent in me.
n wanted me to give wad i have.
he didnt wan me to hide them.

we formed a small band in vnb.
i played the keyboard.
he played the guitar.
we played for mother of youth together.
and for some praying over sessions too.

well.
've to admit.
i was scared.
i was shivering infront of crowds.

but he was there to carry me thru it all.
he always gives me that thumbs up n say.
"dont worry, you can do it."

i was too involved in my own world.
i left vnb.
i disappeared from church.
i even stopped helping out in missions.

wad has gotten over me?

i finally realised.
yoo'll only start regretting when yoo
lost something dats really dear to yoo.

brother james is someone i confide to.
we have the same interest.
n i even told him i will go to him only
for confessions.

now tht he's gone.
i din even get to see him for the last time.

i felt guilt.
i should have continue playing for church.
i should have stayed in vnb even i was attached.

well.
i know brother james hope to see us
playing music for God still.
well.
'll keep his dream alive.
my dream alive.
our dreams alive.

syb, brother james n i started this whole music thing.

n i promise yoo guys.
im coming back.

yoo guys wont be alone.
we can overcome this together.

i know that brother james 'll always be by our midst.
he 'll be guiding us.

thnks bro james.
thnks for everything.

i will never forget you.
you imprinted your footsteps in my heart.

i will always remember you.
rest in peace.

'm feeling guilty.
upset.
painful n hurt.

i dislike the pain of losing another loved one.

well.
i was late for my history lecture.

the bus journey to skl seem
rather hurting.

i played that song.
n it just brought me back to the
day i met her.
till the day we became strangers.

i sat in the bus and allow my
soul to linger ard.

i dont seem to know wads gg on
around me.

well.
the pain is still there.
it just didnt fade away.

in fact thoughts were somehow infected
with a word called
"pain".

'm in skl now.
finished my visual elements sketches last night.
slept at 4am.

well.
'm heading for class now.

i just need to put my mind to rest.

how i wish i can
just live my life on a heart pumping machine?

well.
that stupid girl forced me to mention her name.
've no choice.
cause SHES LEANING ON ME!
shes none other thn HONG JINGFEN.

hmm.
gotta get going.
no plans ltr.

'm heading home to slp.

You can change your life - if you wanna
You can change your clothes - if you wanna
If you change your mind
Well, that's the way it goes

But I'm gonna keep your jeans
And your old black hat - cause I wanna
They look good on me
You're never gonna get them back

At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

If it's over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
I'm just a bird that's already flown away
Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday

Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay

You can say you're bored - if you wanna
You can act real tough - if you wanna
You can say you're torn
But I've heard enough

Thank you
you made my mind up for me
When you started to ignore me
Do you see a single tear
It isn't gonna happen here

At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

If it's over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
I'm just a bird that's already flown away
Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday

Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay

If you're over me
I'm already over you.
If it's all been done
what is left to do.
How can you hang up if the line is dead.
If you wanna walk
I'm a step ahead.
If you're moving on
I'm already gone.
If the light is off then it isn't on.

At least not today, not today, not today
'cause

If it's over, let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday
I'm just a bird that's already flown away
Laugh it off let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday, so yesterday

Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay

so yesterday. hilary duff.

'm still down with the sickness.
visual elements aint completed yet.
my assignments are driving me nuts.
2weeks of no break.
cause 'll be rushing thru assignments.

looking forward to the holidays.

heard dat amazing race is back this wed.
2-hour special.

hmm.
'll be busy busy till end of this mth.

guess i definitely 'll lack of slp.
n 'll definitely have many slpless nights.

well.
mum n bro are back.
n they are sick.

my heart aches.
'm wearing slippers in d hse.

mum brought back from hotel.

well.
no one knows how much i love my mummy.
i simply just care alot for her.
shes the closest to my heart.

i wont be turning in early tonight.
i skipped dinner.

lost my mood to eat lately.

jody n i are looking forward to thurs's
dinner n dance i guess.

well.
we are troubled over wad to wear?

most prob gg shopping w her on wed.
=)

'm off to start on my assignments.
hopefully not fall aslp?

i just ate.

'm gg to bathe.
most prob staying hm.

i miss mel.pammie.n the rest at church.
suddenly.
i miss so many frens that i lost contact with.
i so want to chill out with them.

2 more weeks before the holidays for me
officially starts.

cant wait for the holidays.

maybe getting attached aint dat great at all.
its a mental torture.
cause each r/s 'll hurt no matter how happy
the couple is.

at least i know.
've my own freedom to do wad i want.

till i find that special one in my heart.
'll just remain single.
cause 'm happy the way i am.

looking at the brighter side of life.

at least i know yoo moved on.
at least i know yoo aint going to look back.

since things are the way they are now.

well.
goodbye to the past.

i deleted the msges one by one.
i read the msges till i bleed.
but then.

think abt it.

they are just a load of crapps that
pple made to make yoo feel loved.

n when its time to breakup.
yoo can never expect how
bad things can turn out to be.

to me.
at this point of time.

love is just a game that pple play.
once game over.

its gone.

so i accept the way things are now.
wadever that comes. i'll accept it.

tiff is my past.
she is my present.

the present 'll remain as friends.
the time aint ripe yet.
n even theres a chance to be.

i guess 'll still love the way we are now.
i dun wan us to go our seperate ways.

i choose to be friends.



i've fallen in love with self - obsession.

off to take pics.

well.
i cabbed down cine to find her.
i was lucky enough to flag a mercs cabbie.
n its lk so comfy.

pass her the choco.
n her stuffs.
well.
i felt something's wrong.
or 'm i just being too sensitive?

well.
went to cheers.
got faggs for ff pal.
den slacked at cartel.

they went to catch their movie.
n i headed to work.

the pay tdy is lk 7.50 per hour?
n the crowd is lk normal weekday ?
it aint crowded at all.
we can still chit chat.
talk to customers.
n even play with babies n kids. haas.

met lili n ashley aft work.
headed to mos n waited for jody.
cheryl met dan.
n we happily made fun of cheryl.
cause her voice sounded lk....
*someone. hahas.
slacked outside the mrt station.

den we all went our own seperate ways home.
lili n ashley are now at my place.
they are sleeping.
n pris is playing UNO with my sister.

well.
i watched "a walk to remember" on HBO.
well.
touching show.
shane west is so good looking.
n well.
mandy moore is just HOT!
ashley n i were lk lying on my mama's bed
n admiring mandy moore.

alrights.
'm heading to bed soon.

well.
i seriously dunno how im feeling towards
yoo.

hmmm.
liking her is not something 'll keep
away from my frens.
well.

its just a feeling.

dat might just fade away someday.
n by then.

i guess 'll realise the importance of our frenship.

i dun wan to see us two ending up hurt.
i dun wan to see us disappointed with each other.
i dun wan to see us go our seperate ways.

thats the reason why.
i cherish wad 've now. 'm contented somehow.

i dun wan to see us
ending up lk how me n 07 ended.

not even friends?

im glad 've yoo as my fren.
thats all im asking for.

cause im really afraid to love another.

can someone help me realise my dreams?

i know yoo aint that petty.
i know yoo aint angry.
i know yoo dun care.
i know yoo dun mind.
i know yoo dun remember.
i know yoo dun bear grudges with friends.

maybe every single thing
that i do mean nothing to yoo.

but then.
i did it outta my own free will.

its hurts to see things the way they
are right now at this very moment.

but why aint i crying?

i lost my tears.

i do feel something for yoo.
but den.
i can do nothing abt it.

absolutely nothing.

cause i dislike the power to love.
it brings me HURT.

i cant say i love her.
till i found the true meaning of
wad is love all abt.

'm sorry.
i know it aint cool but mean to flare
one's temper on a friend.

forgive ryann please.
allow me to repent? =(

well.
played UNO till my eyes cant open
anymore last night.
we slept at 4plus 5am.

that girl slept beside me.
n i can hardly breathe.
due to the terrible flu that
caused my nose to be blocked. =(

dear went down to fagg with sis.
i wanted to.
but i alr fagged 2?
n 'm sick.

woke up being pushed to the
edge of my bed.
haas.
that stupid girl's hands n legs were
all over me.
haas.
for one moment.
i thought i was sleeping with an octopus!
hahas.

well.
i remembered her.
she msged me.
at 3.49am.
asking if i was awake.
but when i called.
she hung up.
i seriously dunno wads wrong?
just find it weird.

woke up at 9am?
mother msged me.
den i was lazy lazy to reply.
so i went back to slp.
den her bf called me at 10 plus?
n happily.
i was awake.

my tummy was calling.
so were the rest.
being the only kind soul.
i cooked for them.
eggs.hotdogs n chicken. rice.

she told me she will be in town.
i thought of dropping by.
but then.
im really tired.

maybe cause i think its really
no point trying so hard.

i might just end up hurt.

somehow.
im getting over it.

i love my room now.
somehow.
i took off the memories.
'm slping on the bed le.

all i can tell myself is
that i can never be good enough for her.
to convince myself.

gg work soon.

i start to reply short msges.
cause i realised.

love is not everything.

it all depends on how yoo look at life.

i take things slow.
cause i will never know wad the future
holds for me and ?

hmmm.
maybe cause 'm almost over yoo.

'm a fisherman's fren.
n i love fisherman's fren.

imissmyffpal.vivien.cindy.lili.pris.anne.elinn.
imissyooguys!

n lastly.
i miss my mother n brother!

cries.

obviously she's out of my league.
'm wastin' my time cos 'll nv be good enough for her


its seriously fading.
slowly.....................

i saw an old friend of ours today
she asked about you
i didn't quite know what to say
heard you've been making the rounds'round here
while i've been trying to make tears disappear

now i'm almost over you
i've almost shook these blues
so when you come back around
after painting the town
you'll see i'm almost over you

You're such a sly one with your cold cold heart
maybe leaving came easy
but it tore me apart
time heals all wounds they say
and I should know'
cause it seems like forever
but i'm letting you go

Now i'm almost over you
i've almost shook these blues
so when you come back around
after painting the town
you'll see i'm almost over you

i can forgive you and soon i'll forget
all those shattered dreams
although you've left me with nothing to show
full of misery

now i'm almost over you
i've almost shook these blues
so when you come back around
after painting the town
you'll see i'm almost over you.

can yoo stop being that sensitive?

it wasnt yoo i was mad abt.

i didnt say yoo were making use of me.

its okays yoo hung up on me.
its okays yoo dun reply my msges.

to me.
love dun exist anymore.

just fagged.

suddenly hate the thought of talking
to 07.
its just so different.
that sometimes i just dun feel lk its her.
well.
i dunno.

well.
i lk things the way they are now.

the peeps are waiting for me to
start that UNO game.

n well.
looking forward to the
finals of sg idol.

lets see.
olinda n sly?

'll vote for them.

've become so numb.

i just hope things stay the same.
i dun wan it to become better.

it scares me away.
i cant take it anymore.

i wanna be just the way i am right now.

damnit.
can yoo hate n love somebody at the same time?

i was real sick ytd.
had a fever. coughing real bad n terrible flu.
but then.
i went to skl.

i completed my drawing 3 for perspective.
i scored 75 for the first time ever
for my basic drawing.
i thought the teacher was stingy with marks.
i was shocked!

hmm.
feifei n jingfen were so nice.
they happily ate some chicken rice
that smelt so GOOD.
n they ordered some soup-py thing for me. =(

help stupid girl with her rendering.
den i headed to work.
i was sick.
but then i realised that
responsibilities means alot to me.
i took orders.
i did it! =)

well.
jody was real nice to control
wad i drink n eat.
she makes sure i take no cold drinks.
no fried n heaty food.
she even got me strepsils.

thnks ff pal.

closed early for a friday night.
waited for jody.
took a bus from d interchange.
was feeling weak inside.
n coughing non-stop. =(

hate being sick.

well.
mum got me beancurd.
which happily bought back some memories.

well.
woke up feeling much better.

mum's not gonna be home for 3days.
i feel weird without her presence.
i miss her! =(

ff pal took over my shift today so
dat i can rest at home.
shes coming over to stay! =)

we pasted one of our prints at SR.

alrights.
m gonna slack the whole day.
cause im not supposed to be out.
i gotta stay home n rest.

my hair's growing.
n 'm gonna keep it a little longer.
so that i can dye more kinds of colours.

well.
thats all.


do yoo believe in love
the way that i do
and when u find the one
wherever u go will travel with u
what can i say
where do i start
to pick up the pieces of your broken heart

tell me one more time
why your heart cannot be mine
look into my eyes and say
that love has gone
and i'll be man enough to walk way

tell me one more time
why your dreams cannot be mine
coz i wont believe its true
until i hear it from u

do yoo believe in love
theres no right no wrong
loves just an open road
with different ways of moving on
i dare u to stay and work this thing out
cause leaving is taking the easy way out

tell me one more time
why your heart cannot be mine
look into my eyes and say
that love has gone
and i'll be man enough to walk away

tell me one more time
why your dreams cannot be mine
cause i wont believe its true
until i hear it from you

back in my life
i want you so bad
and losing yoo means losing all that i had
and this is crazy
why cant you see
your the only one that ever mattered to me

look into my eyes
if love has truly gone
i will walk away

tell me one more time .that yoo cannot be mine .cause i wont believe it .until i hear it from you.

hey children.

i've MOVED.

the thoughts overwhelmed me.

maybe one shouldnt take too
many shortcuts in life.
it will bring you nowhere eventually.

i learnt it the hard way.
and i'm sure it aint easy for anyone
to go through that particular pain.

; its never too late to regret.

the mother is angry with me.

will you just sit down by my side ?
dont speak a word.
that presence is all that mattered.

; i felt that warmth around me.

parents please watch over your children.
they dunno wad they are doing.

some people called themselves
your friends.
yet actions speaks louder than words.
sometimes i think its a disgrace to know them.

dont tell people you know me please.
your reputation is bad enough.

i spent a night thinking.
and that child msged me.
've never seen such a chidish children.
that children is older than me.

; at least the mirror wont crack for me.
you might get disgusted looking at urself.

God takes away so he can give
us something better in return.
; something better.

the existence of that smile is there.
drifting further and further.
maybe it was fake all along.
just didnt notice that look on ur face.

in life we play.
play hard to get. hard to lie.
once played. ; elated.

why cant some people just stay
truthful and loyal to their friends ?
sometimes i wonder.
does all these bring us anywhere in life ?

for some people.
hurt means nothing. ; fear means alot.
fear of being played yes ?

; in fact walking alone is better.
retribution exists.

sit at one corner and see please.
; there's a word called retribution.

the burning sensation is back.
dinner at carnivore was simply great.

have you ever been in a situation
whereby you get stuck and dunno
what you should do ?

ryann seriously wish to think abt
so many things.

but the eventual outcome concludes
that ryann needs a sleep badly.
shan't elaborate any further.

so goodnight.

there's one word that i cannot
elaborate any further.

can you just follow your heart ?
maybe things will get better.

if we are meant to be, we'll be.
if we are not meant to be, so be it.

let the hearts lead to the rightful owner.

fate dont play with me yes ?

when i need you, u're almost here
and i know that's not enough.
but when i'm with you i'm close to tears
cause u're only almost here.

everythings' not gg the way they used to be.

first i was drained out cause of
the dry swimming entertainment.
den came a terrible tummyache.
followed by a headache.
leading to a high fever.
and some people actually forgot wad
they supposed to do.
can they please learn to appreciate ?

one meal a day is actually not so bad.

i miss the mother.
can she please not leave me with the
kids in singapore again please ?
'm having a terrible time.

dont say things when you
dun mean it. just shut up.
i wanna hear you no more.

sometimes people just lose hope
in everything.
i dont wish to think of you.
it just brings me nowhere.

damn the day for being screwed.

i'm sorry i cant be perfect.

anyone haven't catch that movie hitch ?
catch it please.
laughter is a must have in that theatre.

have anyone ever told you that by
playing mind games can actually make
a conversation much more interesting ?

have anyone ever thought that by
going beyond the bounderies can actually
become a part of your life ?

drilled a deep hole in that pocket.
need another weekly donation mother.
oh pretty please.

its just a fun-filled week.
contented is the way it should be.

oh yes children.
'm beng no more.
i have black hair please.

happy birthday to that beloved sister.

whether i'm turning straight or not.
its up to the friends out there to believe.

it takes alot of motivation and determination
which ryann so do not have.
so reflect on that entry please.

anyone and everyone can sound like me.

'm beginning to notice that existence.
maybe it aint a bad thing afterall.

maybe everyone should learn to move on
and not cling onto the memories.

after much consideration..
i have decided to turn straight yes?
so to all the guys out there..
remember to hook me up.
love ya.

self-obsession might just kill.
but i like.

sometimes we break the rules
by going over the bounderies.
but thats how excitement comes in.
and i like.

've this burning sensation and it hurts.
but then children, i like that place.

anyone loves the sea ?
at least i know i love being in the sea.
its just so fun.

sometimes memories should be left behind.
and everything should start anew yes ?

i thank God for you.

the theory of riding bike being
dangerous is already knocked into my head.
enough yes ?

so wont be getting a bike license
but a car license instead.
damn.
bye bye vespa.

i really feel relieved after sharing a part.
thank you.

things aint that bad afterall.

nightout at black was simply great.
the crowd was a total hazard.

sometimes parents gotta be more reasonable yes?
like mine.

i kept thinking of that vespa.
wednesday faster come.
first i've to convince my atm to let me register.

lets pray i win 4D tonight.
and 'll have money for more shopping.

2weeks of term break.
like finally there's break.

happy birthday felicia !
you r finally 20 years old.
i dont feel old anymore yes ? lol.

one's emotion can be really contradicting.
like mine.

; laters.

sometimes you just dun wanna know
wad is actually happening.
dont like that thought that i actually know you.
its just so contradicting.

SR Nathan's presence was really grand.
enjoy the food and the events that took place.

friends plays a really important part in life.
though its rather heartbreaking.

friends and that one.
a decision has to be made yes ?

've made up my mind.
though its really heartbreaking.
made one decision that no one will get hurt.
just that individual herself.

its a fcuking terrible feeling.
ryann aint sane anymore.

maybe my existence doesnt matter.

what if one day
you turn around and ryann aint there?

do you even care about that existence.
do you even care about the pain one goes thru.
do you even know the hurtful experiences.

well.
i doubt it even mattered.

thats the reason why everythings' so wrong.

theres so many things i wished for.
and the most wonderful thing that came true
is that i met you in this life's journey.

'm contented enough even there were heartaches.

i didnt mean to fall in love with you.

.ecneirepxeluftruhasawti.peelsotflesymdeirci

i dislike pple who shift the blame to
someone else and pretend to act innocent in
front of that person she shifted the blame to.

like how fake you want to be please.
whatever.
that thought seriously pissed me off.
damn.

though the day was bad.
the best friend was there for me.
and that you made me smiled.

awaits for certain events that are coming up.
'm going broke looking at the way things are planned.

amazing race 7 is back in town.
should i ?

;laters.

toss that coin and let it predict your destiny.
one moment theres happiness and another moment
happiness just turn its back on you.

like wad the fcuk yes.
i dont like. i dont like dont like.

nothing last forever.
nothing in particular.

'm drained.
so goodnight and goodbye.

;laters.

lost the mood to do anything and everything.
finally all assignments are done.

mother just dont understand the stress 'm gg thru.
its not that i dont want to eat.
i just feel like puking when i see food.
get it ?
damn.

i dislike pple throwing temper
when i never even flared mine.

anyway.
'm tired and need sleep.
i cant be bothered with anything.
ask someone else please.

happy birthday to my best friend!
big huggs.

why did that figure keep appearing in that mind. ?
this is totally not happening at all.
i don't like.

i like her. i love another.
isnt this wad life supposed to be
when she appears.
i know that you'll be totally outta my head.

somethings just happened for a reason.
and damn.
'm standing at the crossroads once again.

take me to your heart please.
ryann just wanna be with you all the time yes ?

don't like the way 'm feeling now.
its just not that sea anymore.
its just something that holds me back.
totally.

or perhaps its just a smile that warms that heart ?

damn everything.
schoolwork's gonna kill.

ryann is thinking of you.
and i dont like it.

actions speaks louder than words.
enough said.

the songs from then started playing in that mind.
it was a sudden thought that
ryann had never thought would happen.
it happened anyway.

everything happened for a reason.
enough said.

happy birthday to you.

youngsters please sit down and reflect.
'm totally disgusted by the thoughts you guys have.

no flash experts. friends will do.

'm attached to the comp to complete
my flash and webpage design for the weekend.

holiday faster come.
ryann seriously need a tan.

damnit.
i feel like sleeping again.
i really look forward to that meet-up.

till then.
laters.

ryann needs more sleep.
quality rest yes ?

my flash's not even 1/3 done.
spent the whole fcuking night figuring out
how to create motion tween and all
but still
NOT DONE.

damn this school.
the cause of all our pimples and eye bags.
i didnt even fcuking sleep.

'm feeling damn fcuking tired.
excuse my words.
'm just fcuking PISSED.
with everything. and anything.
damnit.

i dont want tanning on sunday anymore.
mind's made up.
I NEED TO SLEEP.

selfish people do exist on earth.
EVERYWHERE.

everythings' down to zero.
; m so angry please.
damn.

damn the computer.
damn flash.
damn the thumbdrive.

everythings' not working.

its just not my day
damn everything.

is there any kind soul around?
anyone.

beginning to stress oneself when
theres actually not much to do.
theres a serious need for a flash expert.
someone help me please.

've a fear towards computers now.
especially when they shut down by themselves.
thats when it gets really scary yes?

and my ipod is driving me nuts.
cant be bothered to find out why.

think 'm gonna get another mp3
to pamper myself yes ?

thats it.
can i be the hero thats in me ?

oh damn shit.

theres a yamaha performance on
saturday at tampines mall. 3.30pm.
come please.

sun tanning on sunday.
anyone wanna join in the sunny fun ?

this attraction is getting nowhere.
somethings are better left unsaid.

finally. 'll have some extra income today.

design drawing's not done.
and i've barely started on my flash.
damn.

i dont intend to be early for class anyway.

infatuation is a wild escapade 'm gg through.
its just that smile that captivates me.

sometimes i dont mean what i say or what i do.
so dont take things so seriously please.

have anyone ever told you that she likes you ?

techno songs are played in class.
a bloody mixture of hits.

i dont like it when class starts at 830am.
and the lecturer happily took mc.

'm early today please.
damn.

laters.

butt almost went numb watching
a very long engagement. its M18.
dont i look like my age ?

i think i need a little spice in my life.
everything is getting so dull.
i'm getting rather sick and tired of life.

think i've fallen for -----------.
everything seems to be so cliche.

like i said. its bloody unpredictable.
i've never expected myself to be crazy over you.

damn.
someone brainwash me please.

as i stood there and stared.
thoughts lingered as if theres no tomorrow.

theres good and theres bad.

i've already accpeted what fate had brought me.
and you've kindly allowed fate to find your destiny.

everything is so unpredictable.

walking away is a very big issue in life.
cause the moment you walk away
everything changes.

sudden crave to take photos of the scenery.
will you join me in photography ?

when happiness is just one step closer.
will you ?


how did i fall in love with you.

i swear i so dislike design drawing.
finally done with that animation crapp.

that thought of 20 figures is killin' me.

aint sure whats that 2 faced monster trying to do.
and i dont wish to know anything.

i dislike being hot-tempered.
i dislike being moody.
i dislike doing his homework.
i dislike people who choose to lie.
i dislike 2 faced monsters.

i dislike everything now.

so dont ask me what i like.
cause i'm beginning to dislike her too.
damn.

this is getting a little crazy.
but sometimes it gets me thinking
what are you actually up to.
i dislike thinking.

but because of you. i think!
maybe the greatest mistake i've made
is knowing you.

i feel so sorry. for myself.

sit down and reflect and soon you will realize
that everything is not appreciated at all.

constantine's a great catch.

the thought of certain pple
really spoilts pple's mood.

valentine's day is just an ordinary day yes ?

if you love someone.
everyday is valentine's day.
why celebrate on just valentine's day itself.

how dumb.

think 'm making no sense.

"against all odds" is a nice song.
m beginning to love that song.
it links to my life somehow.

what if one day you find out that
the reason why i cant move on is because
of the guilt you left behind for me ?

i cant stop thinking of you.
and its another you im talking abt.

damn.
i'm starting to make no sense in everything i say.

-
thank you chicken for willing to help me
get things done.
i really appreciate it alot. really.

i've become really tired.
very tired indeed.

whats going on i dont wish to know.
i just know that 'm tired.
that i dont wish to do anything anymore.

you're not my everything.
neither 'm i ur everything.

so if you wanna walk away.
just go and dont come back alright.
i'm tired of always having you in me.

damn.

that sight becomes so weird.
it was a totally uneasy feeling.
but i smiled.

due to certain reasons.
sometimes a person just dont try hard enough.
even it is to put in a little more effort.

i don't understand you
neither do i understand myself.

-
chilling out at mustafa is definitely
better than throwing your money at drinks
that make you go dizzy.

at least you can pig yourself out to chicken burgers.
and take loads of photos at "india's goldland."

i just found out that
mustafa is opened 24hours.

i dislike design drawing alot.
i dislike the teacher.
i dislike the work load.

i think 'm going mad at the sight of work.

i need to save for a holiday soon.

laters.

I DONT LIKE YOU.
the thought of you turns pple off.
-

i like chinese new year.
i like red packets.
i like winning loads of money.
i like everything that is now.

no changes please.

i like you.
but uncertain thoughts hits me.
can i see the REAL you ?

and who talks abt dying during cny ?
-
i dont want another pretty face.
i dont want just anyone to hold.
i want you and your beautiful soul.

this is maryann chan's dedication to you.

thank you very nice.
welcome very much.

thats when one's english gets so very broken.
right fish ?
-

when the night gets late
and nobody's listening
nonsense gets in the way and
make a fool outta everyone.

but 'm glad.

i dont wish to look back.
i dont wish to think of the outcome.
i dont like it when trust is broken.

that voice is above all.
nothing compares.

that thought makes me smile.
its funny how.

can this smile not be temporary anymore ?

i wont talk
i wont breathe
i wont move till you finally see
that you belong with me.
you might think i dont look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
'm attached to you.
'm weak
its true.
cause 'm afraid to know the answer.

do you want me too ?
cause my heart keeps falling faster.

've waited all my life
to cross this line
to the only thing thats true.
so i will not hide
its time to try
anything to be with you.
all my life i've waited.
this is true.
-

i've waited all my life to cross this line.
finally 'm 20.
suddenly.
ryann dont feel young anymore.

the one didnt forget abt me.
was really elated at the sight of that msg.

everyone take risks in life.
the biggest risk ryann's taking is
basically trust.

promise to be a better person.
promise to stop skipping classes.
promise to ...

are promises meant to broken ?

its funny how one person can react.
maybe that smile is just too captivating.

-
i know when i go. i'll be on my way to you
the way thats true.

thank you everyone.

nothing can describe the way 'm feeeling
towards every action that you've made.
-

some people just talk without thinking.
from that moment on.
some pple's existence disappeared into thin air.
maryann's totally over you.
and everything just became hatred.

thank you classmates for the birthday presents.
thank you good friends for the levi's boxers.
thank you everyone who came down
boat quay to wish me happy birthday.
thank you chicken for all that you've done for me.

theres so much thanks.
ryann simply dont know where to stop.

from the moment you told me how you felt.
everything changes.

reconsidered every msg i want to send.
reconsidered every call i want to make.
eventually.
just stood there and stare into blank space.
ryann didnt make that call nor send that msg.
i really needed someone.
and i was all alone.

just cant bring myself to dial that number.

burdened thoughts filled my mind.
cant find that courage anywhere.

less then 2 hours to 20.
sounds old yes ?

looking forward to that msg.
feared that it is forgotten.

hope ryann actually meant something
to you somehow yes ?

just need someone who i can confide to
at my darkest moment.
basically trust.

is that too hard ?

i should be more sensible.
and look forward to a day everyone
thinks its special.

should i meet the peeps to chill ?
laters.

i don't want another pretty face
i don't want just anyone to hold
i don't want my love to go to waste
i want you and your beautiful soul

u're the one i wanna chase
u're the one i wanna hold
i wont let another minute go to waste
i want you and your beautiful soul
-

lies.
i hate them.
you used lies to make excuses.
every single lie you made.
extend the hatred i've for you.
maryann reluctantly choose to trust you.
-
that stupid jody kwa surprised me.
thanks pal for everything and for the chain.

had marche.
kbox-ed.
headed to music underground.

the taste of alcohol is oh so sweet.
thanks peeps for the cheeze choc cake.

look forward to meeting the good friends and best friend.
dinner with the ex classmates.

i dont look forward to my birthday.
can time just stop now ?

thank you for being there for me.
and taking care of me with constant messages.

theres nothing no one can do.
to lessen this hatred in me.
my life aint screwed up because of her.
its just me wasting time on entertaining her.
what a fool i can get yes ?

hope 'm one year older and wiser.

want to see that chicken in school.
damn.

so should ryann skip school today ?
-
words hit me so hard.
try to put that fake smile on again.

should i be glad cause i've you in my life ?
or
should i be upset cause things aint the same anymore ?

skipping school so gonna be a habit soon.
dislike the sight of certain lecturers.
damn.

-
dine at da paolo e judie.
thanks brother for that treat.

joined the crowd at chinatown.
cabbing becomes a habit too.

some plans were cancelled.
stared at the message.
thanks pal for being there for me.

dislike the thought of making excuses.
i dont like.

started to ignore.
cause thats the only thing that can
make me get over you.

looking forward to today and tmr.

i love you pal.
thanks for everything.

as i saw you walking away.
all i can do is continue that
conversation with my friend.
-

it didnt mattered to me anyway.
cause i aint stupid.
i know wad you did behind my back.
so what if you know wads going on.
at least i know.
i didnt lie.

skipped all classes today.
didnt have the mood for school.

meeting that long lost friend ltr.
and 've to wait for that chicken to
finish her meeting at TCC.

'm gonna be 20 soon.
so another 4 more days to be YOUNG.
damn.

looking forward to events that
dont bring tears.

she walked away.
and you came along.

so lets play this game together.
'll try to be good.

lastly.
happy birthday sharon.

laters.

have u ever decided not to become a couple
because you were so afraid of
losing what you already had with that person ?
-

got a topman top with sharon.
nydc with chicken.

monday was a screwed up day.
'm sorry alright.
hope everythings' fine.

hope that particular dream wont come true.

thank you everyone who spared a thought
making planns.
everything is appreciated.

thank you very much.

saw you walking away.
turn away and not come back
alright.

'm sick of living in denial.

laters.

called a rooster by a chicken.
how great ?

theres nothing happy looking forward
to upcoming events.
everyday's just an ordinary day.

i know you did it on purpose.

get this fact into your life.
i don't like you.

wad 'm doing online at this hour
when class is starting at 8.30am ?

thank you auntie.
ryann loves you so very much.

so looking forward to today's web design class.
or the after school made planns ?

i want my shima shima.
i want my POA berms.
i want that pink stripes topman top.
i want that new scent.

the list goes on...

i want so many things.

anyone wanna get them for my coming bday ?
i'll accept them with much love.

friends are very important.
to me that is.

bathe.

so many times
i've played around
moving from one to another
i've been a fool and i've been unkind.

-

all along i was being stupid.
you can never see how much a fool i can get.

so many a times you wished that everytime
the phone beeps.
that person is the one you've been waiting for.

its just the little things you do
make me go head over heels.

i wave goodbye to yesterdays
wipe the tears you hide your face
blinded by the sorrow.

"how can i be smiling like before
when baby you dont love me anymore."

laters.

i started to joke
which started the whole world crying.

don't know which way to go anymore.
find myself lost.

thank you for the converstations.
thank you for the constant messages.
thank you for the advices gave.

think you're the only one who cares.
thank you.

'm tired of the pain.
'm tired of lies.
detest people who lives in denial.

but then again.
'm living in denial.
how contradicting yes ?

'll get over this for sure.
cause i know that ryann aint alone.

'm gonna do my homework.
'm gonna complete my presentation.

everythings' as per normal.
no way its gonna affect me.

'm just happy that at the end of the day.
i still have you.
thank you.
'll continue to cherish.

a lifetime promise.

nothing else matters.
'll go to school.

laters.

it makes no difference.

've been wasting too much time on
stuffs that arent important.

someone slap me please.

happened too fast.
ended too early yes ?
what the fuck got into me anyway.

broke the rules of the game.
fell too hard.
struggling hard to breakfree.

uncertain.
thoughts are infected.
living in a world of contradictions.

need to wake out before its too late.

dislike the thought of leaving.

but then again.
i dont know wad 'm thinking abt.


maybe its better to forget the
ones in our hearts first.
before another step is taken.

laters.

school's been really hectic.
theres simply a need to breakfree.

i forsee many problems coming my way.
one after another.
running away aint any solution.

mu was not bad for a saturday night.
caught omen.
not really a scary movie yes ?
caught elekta.
jennifer garner is simply HOT.
can i have a date with her please ?

mum and aunt are looking forward to my 21st bday.
'm not even 20 yet please.

stars aren't cursed elemets anymore yes ?
they are really beautiful when you watch em' with much love.
are special moments made to be cherished ?
ryann need more faith to believe before falling.

whats the point of starting something when
you know that at the end of the day.
there will be nothing but heartaches and tears ?

but then again.
many choose to start.
and bear the consequences eventually.

'm uncertain.
thank you for the conversation.

just hope i make the right choices in life.
not live to regret.

need to start on that darn presentation.
13 more days to that not so awaited day.

as usual.
'm so lazy please.

thursday.
met the bodyguards.
dine at plaza sing's secret recipe.
walked down far east.
bodyguards left me in sher's hands.

met sher at lucky plaza.
den walked to heerens.
back to plaza sing for a drink as planned.
but sher had this sudden crave for ice-cream !
drink plan cancelled.
swensen's so hated us.
closed.
ice-cream plan cancelled.
both were tempted into watching a midnight movie.
dont have very much choice.
walked back to cine to catch a show.
"kungfu hussle".
we had the greatest laugh of that night.

walked ard orchard in the early hours of a friday morning.
started crapping abt having kungfu powers.
wondered where we got the energy to walk yes ?
back to plaza sing.
den decided to walk to esplanade.
we WALK-ed there.
can imagine yes ?

chatted.
flashes of unpleasent moments.
but gues its jus clinging onto the memories.

last.
thank you sher. for that fantastic night out.

friday.
holiday.
spend practically the whole day at tamp.

its time to continue that presentation.
before time start to run out.
ryann need to start working hard.

dont care what you say or what you do.
it aint affecting ryann in anyway.

whereabouts matters alot perhaps.
but then again i dun care.

running away from reality.
cause i know.
theres no one who can be as good as her.
comparing is unfair.
nothings fair.

i miss her.
but there one thing i cant do.



i cant fall deeper in love with her.
'll be left with nothing eventually.

so be it.

/laters.



took on 210105.

've to admit i miss the messages sent.
've to admit i miss that voice.

well.


've to admit that i miss you.

this feeling is somewhat weird.
but i thought it was really over.
why the hell did it come back again ?

'm all confused.
n i dun wanna think.

just give me more work.
and i promise to be a good.

i want to forget you.
completely please.

people are changing with time.
friends behaving unlike themselves.
whats wrong with the world.

i really want to know.
just stop living in denial.
it aint good.

unfortunately.
gave my best shot.
really dunno whats next in line.

a smile warms the heart thats wounded.

/laters.

'm on MC today.
its been ages since i've seen the doc.

i slept till abt 11am tday.
and happily someone called me a sleepyhead yes ?

wad's love like if you havent been in it
for a long time ?
ryann aint sure.
'm looking for that answer.

alrightys.
presentation's early this term.
26th january.

the distance is getting wider.
theres nothing i can do yes ?

just give me a simple and happy life please.
thats all i asked for this birthday.


thnks to dr. jessica de souza
for all the nags.

laters.

i walk a lonely road
the only one that i have ever known
don't know where it goes
but it's home to me and i walk alone.

i walk this empty street
on the boulevard of broken dreams
where the city sleeps
and 'm the only one and i walk alone.

'm walking down the line
that divides me somewhere in my mind
on the border line
of the edge and where i walk alone.

read between the lines
what's fucked up and everything's alright
check my vital signs
to know 'm still alive and i walk alone.

my shadow's the only one that walks beside me
my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
sometimes i wish someone out there will find me
'til then i walk alone.

-

ryann's sick again.
the distance is beginning to drift.
all i can do is watch us drift.

cant do anything about it.

fear is a major factor.
it prevents yoo from moving on.
lack-ed the courage.

simple words cheers you up.
but is that a moment of happiness.
or a lifetime ?

i've to find that courage.
'm lost for words.
've lost my way.

can someone guide me please ?

the craze is over i guess yes ?

the end.

don't wish to talk abt it.
drew that line between.
know the limits.

thats the furthest i can go.
i cant try any harder.

'm coughing again.
sooner or later.
ryann 'll be down with that sickness.

i can imagine stress coming back.
but who cares ?

laters.

realised it went missing.
but who cares anyway.

since its gone.
let it be gone.

'm off to school.
its gonna be a really long day.

but nothing's gonna affect ryann.
nothing in particular.

craves for more chocolates.
damn.

everything's so unpredictable.

realised i start to miss out the best things in life.
though things are changing.
ryann know that they happen for a reason.
i wont look back and try to save the situation.
'll just stay here and see how things work.

nothing's affecting me.
its just the thought of workload
rushing towards my direction that scares me off.

it aint significant anymore.
lost its importance as days goes by.

'm glad school started.
at least i dont think that much anymore.

stayover-ed at pal's last night.
ryann needs some quality rest now.

thought pre-press production was fun.
but to re-consider.
NO.
ryann cant draw with a computer pen.
damn.
gotta practise on my lappie tonight.
see if i can draw somethings out.

hopefully not crapps yes ?

laters.

ice cream makes ryann happy.

lecturer for basic web design was alright.
but my classmates are kinda screwed up yes ?
except for a few who are really nice.
1/2 the population are china peeps.

ryann so wanna transfer to 1G.
all the peeps are there.

its wasnt a really boring journey back home yes ?
just that staring glances and irritating voices
affected my mood in a way.

that stupid fish asked me to change hair colour.
maybe its really malu-ating to go out with
a so called ah beng who cant make it yes ?

looking forward to 2D animation lectures tmr.
hopefully it aint boring yes ?
starting skl late for the rest of the week.
ryann definitely can sleep longer.

ryann's happy today.
i dunno why. i just feel this way.

off to bed.
laters.

they just had to break the news to me
before the new year starts.

ryann met ms. fish and crystal at chijmes.
once again.
'm called a ah beng by that heartless fish.

walked down boat quay.
cause was told to learn to compromise.
it was a great night drinking your hearts' out.
and not thinking that 'm working full the next day.

met jody and the peeps at golden cafe.
walked by monks.
wanted to say gdbye to some friends.
but ended up wishing everyone happy new year.

walked back to chijmes to meet ms. fish.
the prawn is sorry for screwing up the fish's mood yes ?

-

ryann's really elated.
for some reasons that concern-ed the heart.

'm happy that i've met that special one.
she made me realised that by just loving someone
and not being with her can actually make you happy in a way ?

messages do count.
words does matter.
its just the way yoo look at it.
and feel really contented.

cause even i aint with her.
'm glad 'm smiling even at the darkest moment.

school's reopen-ing in less than 24 hours.
that thought excites me in way.

hope things wont screw up my life.
and complications dun come my way.

i shall live by the game.
and play by breaking some rules yes ?

if theres a tragic ending.
and when tears falls. i know that i aint the only one.

ryann's happier. really.

till then.
take care peeps.

happy new year.

've come to the last day of the year.
many things happened.

people disappearing after every appearance.
walking in and outta lives.

lies said to save that pride.
've yoo have suspected that i knew that lie ?
've kept it in me. God knows how long.
but still. i gave yoo the benefit of the doubt.
are yoo just putting a fake front ?

even as friends.
lies were said.
how 'm i supposed to take another step ?

'll make a confession.
've read those sent items.
so does it ring a bell ?

to who yoo know yoo r.
'm sorry for wadever happened yes ?
promise me yoo wont look back.

talking abt commitment.
ryann simply cant live up to that.
'll try working things out. no promises yes ?

'm trying hard to work out some
personal problems.
try to work things out with me please ?

my new year resolution.
work hard.
the pals 've something in mind yes ?

leave those planns to a brand new year.
our friendship is a lifetime promise.

leave all those memories behind.
dont look back. look forward.

.drahyllaersti.gniyrtllits.uoytegrofotdeirti

a happy and blessed new year peeps.

term 3 and 4 time table is out.
theres only 4 mm classes as predicted.

i end skl at 5plus everyday.
except for monday i end at 11.20am.
but its not worth it when
lessons actually starts at 8.30am.

that reminds me that i cant laze on bed anymore.

damn.

black was kinda fun ytd.
saw some friends that i havent seen a long time.
can i go back and be my old self ?
well. sometimes its too late when you 've alr
set your mind to change.

school's gonna reopen next week .
tmr's the end of the year.
time really passes by fast yes ?

'm really late for work.
supposed to start at 12pm.
n ryann havent bathe.
today's full shift.
tmr's off.
and its full shift on new year's day.

all i hope to see is that silly lil face
popping by at my workplace
and a simple hello 'll actually make my day.

are we really happier this way ?

sometimes i think of yoo.
sometimes i dont.
tell me what to do.
cause i might drift away from yoo.
and it 'll hurt to see that distance apart.

why is it that you r always the first thing
on my mind ?

laters.

time can change the people around us.
in fact time can change many things.

hate life.
dislike the way it is.
but then. 'm still living it.

how contradicting yes ?

caught "meet the fockers" on sunday.
havent watched a movie for like ages yes ?

got addicted to that song.

"say a little prayer for the restless heart.
we shall never ever drift apart."

know that 'm with yoo.
with yoo all the time.

behind every song. theres a meaning.
maybe yoo just gotta use your heart to feel.

ryann's immune to that feeling.
'm sorry for the way 'm. i just dun wish to hurt.

hardly stay-ed home.

spent x'mas eve working.
just 1minute before i end work.
jody's head and my head bumm-ed into
each others'
and the whole bowl of pumkin soup was on us.

merry christmas !

aunt's place for xmas eve party.
couldnt make it for mass at novena.
so headed to holy fam for midnight service.

a heartless person says i look-ed lk a ah beng.
that rather saddening yes ?

walked to ecp.
sang "we wish you a merry christmas" to someone.
and she said that she was touched in a way ? haas.

thats it for xmas eve.

was knocked out at 5am ?
the sun was shinning really bright at 9am.
so it concludes that ryann only slept for 4hours ?

hangover yes ?

ran many errands in that black car.

lunch-ed at cousin's place.
and i happily fell aslp aft lunch.

met that pal at tampines.
walked around.
the crowd was a total headache.

met her darling.
cabbed down bedok.
den cabbed back to her sengkang hse.

town was our last destination.

something hit me real hard.
and ryann's mood was affected suddenly.

i find myself on a lookout for someone.
a simple msg is that hard to recieve yes ?

seriously hate the thought of thinking much.
cause it will make loads of things really complicated.
and suddenly yoo just dunno wad to do.

yoo feel all alone.

this christmas aint christmas at all.
'm glad its over.

my only wish this christmas is to see my father.
'm seriously missing him real bad.
but i know i cant find him anywhere. not again.
nothing can bring him back.

'm sorry, dad.
i 'll be a better person next year.

to be kick-ed when you r down.
to feel lk you've been pushed around.

happy boxing day everyone.
ryann's off to bed again.